Monday, September 30, 2013

I forgot

I got up this morning and realized I had left all my washing on the clothes line.  So... after doing billing and shipping for my husbands business, going to the barn and taking care of the horses.  I came back to the house to this!
They were WET so they had to stay out the rest of the day till I did my eight hours at work, took care of the horses once again... THEN I got in most of it!  They were already starting to get damp again when I finally got home.  So I left the horse stuff on the line and brought in my clothes, sofa covers and things that I was going to need again in the next few hours. 
I can only hope they dry tomorrow morning as I get to go into the store a little later than today.
Saving money using the cloth line is wonderful! But like everything else that saves money you really have to have a plan and stick to it to make it work perfectly.
I hope your life is a colorful as mine!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Fall approaches.

The sun is trying to peak through the fog.
The house is quiet. The windows open.  The birds chirp in and outside the house.
The only noise are the cars driving by.
A perfect morning.
It is this time of the day I miss my Nannie, Pawpaw & Aunt Gale.
I drink my coffee straight no calories!  But what feeds my soul is how my mind takes me back to a green Formica covered door.  Cornet coffee cups, and one heavy china mug clinking down on the table. The sounds as each are at different full and empty levels.  How instead of each leaving one by one there were hours at that table. We all stayed till there was a finishing point for the day.
While it was not the Cosby show where all was perfect in 30 minutes but its was a source of honest bouncing boards, real caring ears that would listen to anything; very little judgement and a WORLD of support.  Who has that today? Where has it gone?   I can only hope I get do do that for my nieces and nephew.
I live so far away!
I so want to figure this one out but no more bouncing board no more talks, coffee, or that special hand that comes from across the table!
Fall ... fresh colors lots of fog.  Cool breezes, and  having to be my own bouncing board.  I can only figure this is going to be a season of growth for me!   I am having to admit it for fall and I'll have to try to perfect it this winter by myself.  Oh dear I have to be the grown up.  I have to be a helper instead of the one helped. 
Seasons , life roles... it is a change!  It is scary!  But it is what it is! 

Thursday, September 19, 2013

I can't image. While I try, it is SO hard!

I've been almost consumed by family happenings as of late.   All from a great distance (thank goodness)

We all experience death.  We all see it, get hurt, and know it is going to touch us at some point or another.

I have lost all four of my grandparents, although unlike most it was well into my adulthood before any of my grandparents slowed down, acted their age, and finally accepted their circle.
I have lost Aunts, Uncles and distant relatives but NEVER anyone my age or close to it.
I still have both of my parents, as 1 in 10 kids loose a parent before they get out of high school, much less into the mid and late forties like myself and still having both and a relationship with both.
I still have all my first cousins and then some, and I still have both of my siblings.

I can not imagine the loss of a sibling.  I can not image the loss of anyone younger than myself, but this what I am imaging as someone in my family is going to experience this for the first time in my immediate circle. 

Yes my Nannie lost her younger brother, Yes my cousins lost a sibling in their younger years and one has lost her only sister.  THIS is what I can not imagine and it is a true deep abyss to think about the consoling of someone who is about to experience it.

I have TWO sisters.   And while you would think we were all cut of different cloth we are still woven on the same loom with the same back ground and I have that unwritten connection with them.

While one strives for perfection in her life; as much socially as she does on physical things.  While I have no attraction to either.  I would live in the back woods rarely talking to another human and be fine.  I still live with items much like a college student who can't afford anything new or better.  My house is very small compared to most, and my life style is more of being outside and in the dirt than it is about social conversations at the very least.

The other strives for control; as much as any human can.  She strives to do the right thing and to help others do the right thing.  While I personally try to do the right thing, I could care less if it is politically correct.  I wish others did the right thing but I'm not a shepherd.  I can only be what I am and I am only a human!

Don't get me wrong.  I more than enjoy nice things, but they do nothing for me on a daily basis.
I just want to survive in a world that is filled with craziness and things you pray your kids never have to experience.

Oh yea then there is me... I'm the selfish one that knew I would never be able to bring up kids the way I was.  I knew it took a village for me to be 1/2 as level headed as I am and I knew I wanted to experience the world, see things my family had never dreamed of, and to do what ever excited me without the worry of affecting the life of a child for which I would be responsible.  In all truth I NEVER expected to live this long and thought I would be the one struck by lightening and taken out of the book early in life.  And I'm not afraid of it! I've done most of all things I ever wanted to do.  So I live life each day as it could be our last (my hubby and myself) together.  We never know! Some get some warning.  What they do with that is another story!

I would be at the side of each sister in a moment of knowing they needed me.  I would give my life for their children... yes all three... two by one and one by the other.  I have little to no daily connection to any of them.  I suppose I am an embarrassment to one, and the other so busy doing what is right and trying to help everyone else she doesn't ? well think of me or my hubby much any more.

I think of them all the time, as I have chosen a slower lifestyle but they are so busy rarely do we connect when I do call. 

I wish I could hug their kids each morning, share breakfast with their kids, share family stories, share a more simple lifestyle that was shared with me, share the energy of ALL walks of life, how no matter what anyone has or how they choose to live we are all equal humans.  Not a single one of us is any better than the other.

I know.... some religions think good deeds help erase the bad things we do. 
Some people think religion is fine but has no place in business.
Some people live by religion and I like that!   Personally I can't stand any religion that uses fear or points as a way into "heaven"  
All I can tell the world is there is a choice and for EVERY choice there is a consequence. This is fate!
Science! Math! and Life!   All I know if for me... If I do something to hurt someone, it is going to come back on me in some form, and like the "bible" most likely in 10 fold!

I am not one that is going to judge a persons religion, lifestyle, sex, or job.  What I will judge is if they are 1/2 way fair to all those around them, this means those they do not see, serving their every whim etc...  

I believe in a higher power and I believe in family.  I have family I am very separated from due to their choices long long ago.  I have family I choose not to be around due to daily choices still made.  I have family I choose to stay away from due to scars they inflicted on another member or worse multiple members.  I want to hug them, I want to share with them, but doing right is MORE than needed it is expected!

While my sisters may or may not know how much I love them.  I love them dearly! If I had money to give it would be theirs. If I had a room to share it would be theirs. If they need of any basic I am going to make sure they have it.  I love my sisters beyond what they see or imagine, and I can't imagine a world without them no matter what they think. 

My heart bleeds for the family member whom is about to experience the loss of someone younger.  A friend, someone whom that invisible string attaches the hearts together as one, seeing the struggle and it taking your breath. It is amazing how the choice of one physically effects the other, it is not just the heart ache, it is the thought process it effects.  How the pain repaints your world, the colors you see, the flavor you taste, even how you hear words around you.  It is more painful than a chosen family member only in that there really is an invisible string, that some ignore! some try to cut, and others never get to experience except with their child.  The circle of life that must be respected, but the loss is painful, almost debilitating, but society expects us to continue like nothing happened.  (this is where I believe the Jewish faith has a major point ... their rituals of death...I believe it is called Shiva?  how this was dropped from most of society I have no idea)

Ok.. so I have put it all out there!
Call it a letter of reality.
Call it a letter of sympathy.
Call it a love letter to my sisters?

What ever it is ... it is what it is... and it is going to happen.
I'm here!

My love to the world.