Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Life is all about the your view of the world. 
My view is HUGE at the moment... I see everything and yet nothing at all!

Dead trees about to fall on me? or is it the middle of winter? Is this photo just before the spring leaves appear? or is it just about me being lonely and feeling trapped?

Today life is a little easier, while I have not made it through the first chapter yet... my sweet husband sees I am trying very hard, that I am at my desk for 8 hours a day reading, testing, and making sure I understand what I am reading. 

My desk is a mess of things, hand written notes, a glossary pages printed by snip it only...
I am taking quiz's as I go... I can not wait till I get to the end of this chapter take the a chapter test and see how well I am doing.  I am going to assume I am doing better... because like it or not I am doing my best.

Life... a huge world... a world full of everything you can dream of... a world of good, bad, and the unknown!

This is just one more adventure in my life that I am taking without a map.  I am creating a map in my own mind... just like I do in a strange country before my husband is even out of bed; I am out searching for bread, chocolate and eggs; not necessarily in that order but ... I'd take them as I find them.

There is no telling what is lurking around the next corner!
A bakery?
A patisserie ?
I'm making a map in my mind of what I am learning and memorizing my path home. 
Even just writing here helps to clear my mind for more information...
Onward I go!

My love to the world...

Sunday, July 29, 2012

I am paralyzed with fear!

I am without a job.

I am trying to study insurance, as we all need it, we all should have it, and it is something I know I can do to help people as time goes on.

I'm concentrating on life insurance for now, then I'll move and and learn more as I can eventually moving myself into a place where I can do more and more... OR SO I KEEP telling myself.

I feel like I've been shot.
I feel like I'm cracked and about to fall apart.
I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
I feel forgotten!

I have horses and birds to feed.
One horse is special needs... medical issues and all. While the other is a good horse, just a little crazy in the brain! But I love them both.

I have birds, three... one is special needs, she has but one eye, one good leg, and is fearful of the other birds at this point.  She needs more attention than the others

I'm not sure how this is going to work, as I am trying to study it is all online... I want a book, I crave a highlighter! I want to put sticky notes on pages and finger through them before I start a new chapter.  Chapter my @$$! a chapter is feeling more like a book.  I have yet to make it through a full chapter!

OH how scared I am!
OH I can only hope I can do this for me, for my family, for my animals...
please send me positive energy!
Please think or send good thoughts my way!

Friday, July 13, 2012

As amazing as it sounds, while still very fearfull of that no pay check in the weeks to come I am a happier person knowing I am making the right steps for Jerry and myself.  I will make it through this and I will come out of this dark tunnel once I can see a light at the end, assuming I don't walk head on into an on comming TRAIN!


If it's not putting you on your toes, what is it doing? What are you doing? Have you already settled into comfort?

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I made a life decision that I may regret, I may not.  I have turned in my two week notice at the Inn.  I love the place, but there is no where to grow. I enjoy the people but I do not make enough to support myself in the event of an emergency.  Life is short and I have to 1/2 way enjoy what I am doing but I have to do my fair share of supporting the family unit as well.  (as we all do)

I have never turned in a notice NOT HAVING A JOB for the next day!

I am scared to death
I am paralyzed with fear.

if any one out there has any ideas... I'm open to hear them...

Sunday, July 1, 2012

It was a history teacher. Mr Graves.

It is funny how we each have a teacher that touched us one way or another.

For me it was my History Teacher Mr. Graves.  I haven't a clue of his first name, I have no way of finding him, All I know is he got me to really think about "the rest of the story"  I had never thought of leaving Joelton by the age of middle school.  BUT as his class opened my eyes, and my mind I knew... I knew I would like to see more of the world and find out the rest of the story.

History was never a subject I liked,but as I traveled and found myself on ground I knew was referenced in the bible;  I could not help but to get the travel bug.

I find I enjoy being challenged by other cultures, throught processes, and experiences than what I find at home.

I find I expand myself each time I return as I bring back something with me I never considered before. It could be a new food, a new problem solving thought, a new way of dressing... my point is the world is endless if you allow yourself to grow! If you challenge yourself to do something different!  Even if it is a challenge of DOING less, GETTING less, and eventually WANTING less instead of feeling like you have to keep up with "the jones'" ( or your neighbors or society as a whole)  I found this to be exceptionally true as I see those with less are often the most happy as a culture, people, and as a family.  Having less is more of a bond for them to rely on eachother, share, and consider those around them.

So in short this man was the one that support the encouragement of my parents to be who I am, to be proud of it, to OWN it!  Traveling is a part of who I am a part of what I have to do, a part of what pushes me forward to learn more each day.

I'm a little different than most, but that is ok with me... only because I am ok with who I am and know I will never fit into a what society expects.  I upset a lot of people, I piss off a lot of people ... BUT they all know where they stand with me! 
While I have nothing to complain about while I am one of the few NOT in the triple digits this week, but my dear horses are having a hard time with the heat.  not eating, not moving much... I've started putting electrolites in their feed so they will drink more, but even with that I am going to the barn as much as I can to spray them down.

SweetPea is terrified of everything including the hose pipe.  So it takes a moment to get her hosed down good.

While Navarre goes to sleep each time I spray them down.

The fish water is also getting very warm so they too got another 4 inches of water, from my trusty resivoire.   I can only hope everything survives this horrible hot june weather... Now... it's actually July this is expected here but really... this has been a year of crazy weather.